Sam Sunday #59: Twelve Weeks Later

In some ways, it's strange to think that Giles is twelve weeks old today.  Like any set of first-time parents, we didn't really know what was about to hit us!  I love being a Mum and I love watching him learn new things - how to smile, laugh, grasp things with his hand, coo and recognise the people around him.  I love his chubby little wrists and how he smiles at me every single morning when he wakes up.  I love his dimples, how he is always wriggling and how he strokes my arm when I cuddle him.  Being a parent has changed me, and made me more open to other people, but it's so hard too.  I see many posts about how amazing being a parent is, and it truly, honestly is, but it's rarer to see people acknowledging just how difficult it is too. And I want to be able to be honest about my experiences.

One thing that has made it hard for me is that I'm still recovering from his birth.  I know I mentioned it a little bit on here, but I really did have a traumatic experience.  It's not an exaggeration at all to say that without immediate medical assistance after he was born, I might not be here today.  I was expecting the pain of contractions, and they were pretty awful (the epidural was amazing), but I wasn't expecting to have so much difficulty when it got to the pushing stage.  I'm petite, Giles was a big baby, and he twisted and got stuck on the way out.  Having the epistemology and forceps was horrible, but the worst part was the blood loss after.  I had two internal fourth degree tears and I quickly lost over half of the blood in my body.  I remember feeling cold, ill, vomiting, dropping in and out of consciousness and not much else.  Every time I came to, there were a lot of doctors around me - they had to perform surgery in the labour ward as it would have been too dangerous to move me,,and I had to have multiple blood transfusions. It was so scary and it's been a difficult recovery. I'm just getting to the stage now where I feel fine most of the time.

It's been such a big adjustment, becoming a parent.  Before, I was used to a busy working life that often spilled into my own personal time.  When I wasn't working, I had the freedom to do as I pleased.  Now I am much less busy, but only get snatches of time to myself during the day, and I use my brain a lot less!  It can be difficult to be on your own with a baby for twelve hours at a stretch.  I love him more than anything, but when he's particularly refluxy and won't settle, and won't let me put him down at all, it's tough, and can be lonely too.  Thankfully we seemed to have turned a corner with his reflux in the last week, as he's much more content and will actually let me put him down for his naps now, meaning I do get little breaks in the day.  This makes a massive difference.

I've still got about three months of maternity leave left, and I'm intending to make the most of them. Once I go back to work, and life becomes super busy again, I'm going to miss this time, the days when I get to do nothing but cuddle him, play with him and go for walks in the sun to look at the trees.